Alone. Together.

It’s Saturday night, and it’s been a long week. Two double shifts, one that turned into twenty hours, and last night almost eighteen. The stress this week has been unbelievable. Work, personal life, and my own crazy emotions have taken their toll on me. It’s time to cut loose! Right? Here I am sitting at home.

I’m not sitting at home because I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I have been invited to card night, dinner with the family, drinks with friends, and some more interesting offers, all of which I have declined. I have no problem going out by myself to find something to do, either. I’m at home because I want to be here. I just wish the circumstances were different. I wish I weren’t here by myself.

I get tired of going out drinking. I get tired of feeling as if I have to be exceedingly social to make other people happy. I get tired of always smiling as if I’m having a good time when I really want to cry out, shout, scream, and tell everyone around me that I feel just as lonely in a room full of thirty people as I do actually being alone. Being surrounded by thirty warm bodies can never take the place of spending time in the company of the one soul with whom you actually want to be.

Time spent alone is good for everyone; so is time alone, together. I feel really cliché sometimes. I would like to be hanging out at home, sitting on the couch with someone, holding hands, watching (or not watching) movies. Someone that I really want to be with, when it doesn’t matter if we even talk, just being close is communication enough.

As I’m wrapping up this entry, I think I may have convinced myself to put on my happy face, fake smile, and reach deep inside myself for my social personality. I’ll make everyone else feel at ease when I would rather just be at home with someone that matters. Alone. Together.


(I ended up staying home after all)

"We're all mad here..." - Lewis Carroll

Someone recently told me there is a fine line between being aggravated and being mad. I have found this to be untrue. Being aggravated is far worse. It’s an indecisive emotion. I’m not mad, but something is bothering me, something or someone is getting under my skin. If I am mad, I am angry or enraged. I am ready to take action. I am out for the kill. When I am aggravated, I just don’t know what to do.

I am aggravated now. I don’t have a good reason to be mad, but I’m not happy with the things that are going on. I don’t like to leave things up in the air. I want to make a decision. There has to be something specific to make me mad. When I’m aggravated it could be any number of small things. I go through these things repeatedly in my head, examining, probing, groping for something -just one little thing- to make me decide once and for all that I am PISSED THE FRAG OFF! The more I think about these things, the more muddled my mind becomes, and I just end up all that much more aggravated!

What is much worse than being aggravated with a situation is being aggravated with a person. Try telling a living breathing human being all the little things that have you aggravated. Of course, these things do not bother the other person nor are they even thinking about them! (You know they are no matter what they say!) Not only do you sound like a stark raving lunatic ready for a room at Bedlam, but in the end, you doubt your take situation and add to your indecision as well!

I suppose I have no choice but to keep being indecisively aggravated. If I tell him these things, I sound foolish. I keep them to myself and they fester. In the end, being aggravated drives you mad. For the love of God, I wish he would just piss me off! (Does it surprise anyone that I am aggravated with a man?)

These are just my thoughts. Laugh at them; make fun of me, whatever you want. I keep a blog to write about the things that make up my life. This is one of them. Maybe nothing I have said here fits the ‘dictionary meaning’ of these terms. If you have ever had an emotion in your life, you know that Webster’s opinions do not apply here!