It’s Saturday night, and it’s been a long week. Two double shifts, one that turned into twenty hours, and last night almost eighteen. The stress this week has been unbelievable. Work, personal life, and my own crazy emotions have taken their toll on me. It’s time to cut loose! Right? Here I am sitting at home.
I’m not sitting at home because I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I have been invited to card night, dinner with the family, drinks with friends, and some more interesting offers, all of which I have declined. I have no problem going out by myself to find something to do, either. I’m at home because I want to be here. I just wish the circumstances were different. I wish I weren’t here by myself.
I get tired of going out drinking. I get tired of feeling as if I have to be exceedingly social to make other people happy. I get tired of always smiling as if I’m having a good time when I really want to cry out, shout, scream, and tell everyone around me that I feel just as lonely in a room full of thirty people as I do actually being alone. Being surrounded by thirty warm bodies can never take the place of spending time in the company of the one soul with whom you actually want to be.
Time spent alone is good for everyone; so is time alone, together. I feel really cliché sometimes. I would like to be hanging out at home, sitting on the couch with someone, holding hands, watching (or not watching) movies. Someone that I really want to be with, when it doesn’t matter if we even talk, just being close is communication enough.
As I’m wrapping up this entry, I think I may have convinced myself to put on my happy face, fake smile, and reach deep inside myself for my social personality. I’ll make everyone else feel at ease when I would rather just be at home with someone that matters. Alone. Together.
(I ended up staying home after all)