Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Black Heart

Valentine’s Day evokes many mixed emotions for me. I’m a hopelessly romantic person, but bad things tend to happen to me on February 14.

Two years ago on Valentine’s Day I made a special dinner for my ex husband. I always preferred to stay in and celebrate. I expected him home from work at six, and would have everything ready by six-thirty. Six, six-thirty, seven, came and went. I called his cell phone, and he told me he was on his way home, the job ran over, and he was stuck in traffic. Eight, nine, and ten, came and went. He had stopped answering his phone. I was upset and worried. I didn’t know if I should call the hospital, the police, or do nothing at all. He had done this before, but I kept telling myself he wouldn’t ditch me on Valentine’s Day. He finally picked up at midnight, telling me he would be home when he was ‘fucking ready’. He rolled in at three in the morning, drunk and high on cocaine. We fought and I ended up leaving in tears. As usual, the apologies were long and tearful the next night.

Last year I gave my ex $80.00 to get me something for Valentine’s Day. Money wasn’t the issue. I just wanted something he had picked out. It had been a very stressful month, he quit his job (I found out later he lost it because of cocaine) and had gone ‘missing’ for almost 3 days. On Valentine’s morning, he presented me with my gift. It was a pair of slippers from K-Mart, still in the shopping bag. I smiled and thanked him, wondering deep down inside where the money went. He left, stating he was going to help a friend work on his truck. I began to get ready for my 3-11 shift at the nursing home. Truthfully, I was more than a little upset about the slippers, but figured he had at least made an effort and I should be happy for that.

When I came downstairs, I found his pistol on the coffee table. We had argued the night before after I found a razor blade in his dresser. He swore he wasn’t doing coke but I knew he was. More often than not when we argued he would start messing around with his pistol. I would find it in strange places. I found it in the bathroom, on his nightstand, workbench, and now the coffee table.

I was upset when I got to work. I had cried off and reapplied my make up twice. I had an admission, a fall, and a suspicious chest pain complaint within the first two hours, and was behind on my med pass. My head was swimming. I went to the kitchenette to get ice water for a patient. The next part of the story I don’t remember, I know only what was told to me later.

One of my nursing assistants said she heard a thud and turned around to see me lying on the floor, unconscious. She yelled for the other nurse. I began to have seizures. They told me at the hospital it was because I had hit my head so hard when I fell. Someone remembered seeing my cell phone on top of my med cart. This was a strange coincidence because I don’t use it at work, but needed the calculator on it that day. Using my cell phone, one of the nurses was able to reach my mom when my ex wouldn’t pick up the phone. The only thing I really remember was being in the ambulance. They had applied oxygen with a nasal cannula, and it was cold.

I underwent many tests at the hospital. Aside from a concussion, they could find nothing wrong. It wasn’t until several months later that I admitted to myself that the whole incident came about because of stress. I realize that many more people have greater stress in their lives and have had far worse things happen. This is just a blurb about my life and my experience with Valentine’s Day.

This year I am alone. I think I will lock myself in my bedroom and hope the roof doesn’t cave in!

1 comment:

  1. no darling dont- dont lock yourself away- you have made HUGE progress towards taking back control of your life from a person who quite honestly, appears to ahve been too messed up in his own world to contribute to yours.

    Buy yourself a some flowers, chocolates or something to mark this special occasion in your life.

    You wont be alone next valentines day- i can feel it.