Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Lying my way through the day

I had a moment tonight at work. No one saw the fleeting look of panic that ran across my face. I felt it, though, and was able to duck away before anyone had seen. I wanted to cry. Cry from confusion, pain, and frustration. I wanted to cry from feeling misunderstood and judged unfairly. I felt like there was a ton of bricks on my heart, and another ton in my mind.

I would like to say that the feeling came from nowhere, but that would be a lie. I know where it came from; I have been dealing with it for several weeks. I’m usually able to keep it pushed aside while I’m at work, but tonight it torpedoed to the surface.

Seven months ago I kicked my ex husband out. (Good riddance!) My co-workers and patients saw me go from being the person with the positive attitude that could do it all to being an empty shell. The first few months I was unable to hide it, and later I was able to fake my way through it. In the not so distant past, they saw the me they remembered. The reaction was as if I had just come home from a looonggg vacation. People with Alzheimer’s who don’t remember their own families told me they were glad to have their ‘happy girl’ back. Now I’m back to faking it, and hoping I’m doing a good job.

I’m at a loss as what to do. At night, I cry. Morning comes, and I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to go anywhere, but I make myself. If you read the post about nightlife in Middletown and the previous one about being alone, together, you know that sometimes I force myself to leave the house. (It usually ends with a call to USA Taxi.)

What to do…what to do? Today I mailed a package. It included something I worked very hard on. My intention was, obviously, to make the recipient happy. The awful truth is, I may never know. That person is not currently speaking to me. It might make them angry or irritated, but that wasn’t my goal. Is it selfish if sending it made me feel a little better, too?

Of course, none of this makes sense to my readers. It doesn’t make sense to me either. This is another of my ‘ramblings from a mad woman posts’.


  1. you are still grienving for the loss of your dreams- give yourself time xxx

  2. The loss of a marriage is a death. So grieve. It's okay! It's a huge loss that must be acknowleged and mourned. If you think you are actually clinically depressed, as a medical person, you know what to do! Otherwise, it's all going to work out fine! Blessings, Lisa