Monday, February 23, 2009

Genie in a Bottle of Jack

Please don't judge me too harshly. Some of these things are hard for me to admit, but today they are desperately trying to get out!

After I kicked my ex out, I started drinking. Daily. Heavily. A fifth of Jack in a sitting, easily. I got so used to it that I quit getting sick, and I quit getting hangovers. I also quit feeling. It was the only way I knew how to defend myself.

I filled my spare time with a parade of men, bars, parties, and wild nights. Some of the things I did were nothing less than shameful. Many of those things I did hoping my ex would find out about them and be hurt or jealous. There were times that I brought men home with me just because they were his ‘friends’. I started hanging out at ‘his’ bar. I made sure everyone there knew how much fun I was to party with, and what a great person I am. Problem is that it was fake me. I couldn’t even remember who real me was.

November and December were probably my worst months for partying. Things were spiraling out of control, and I was losing more of myself with every drink, every wild night, every man that I brought home. I knew something had to change, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. Even though I was drinking less often by this time, 2 or 3 times a week, the nights I did drink, I made up for lost time.

At the beginning of January, things changed quickly because of someone I met. It’s a long, sordid story. I’m not done examining the situation and my role in it and the story is not completely mine to tell. For now, I will save it. I let all my male ‘companions’ go, and stopped participating in certain social activities. Something good came of the whole situation: I slowed down enough for long enough to examine what I was doing.

My drinking slowed down to twice a week, now once. While I still meet men when I go out, I don’t go out for that purpose, and I don’t bring them home with me. I woke up still drunk this morning (okay, that was twice this week) and something told me I have to STOP this self-destructive behavior. I wrote a post last week entitled As of Today. One of the things I want to do is rediscover myself. I don’t think that’s going to happen while staring down a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I’m not going to say that I will NEVER drink again. It’s only Monday. I do, however need to find something more constructive and empowering to do with my time. There’s not much to do in this small town unless I want to sit home by myself. Everyone wants to drink. Because of my work schedule, I’m a night person. That doesn’t give me much time for things like walking in the park. After dark, it feels like all there is out there is partying. I know that’s not true. I know I’m laying blame and rationalizing. I’m good at that.

For now, I’ll set my goal as not drinking for the rest of the week. The hard part won’t come until Saturday, but I have between now and then to come up with something constructive to do. I know that doesn’t even sound good from where you’re reading, but it’s a step for me.

I would also like to add that some of this realization came about from reading and pondering some of the blogs here. Everyone is an inspiration, and I just wish you were all a little closer!


  1. Hello, am I working here yet??Testing, testing.

  2. I got rid of the horrible word verification monster!

  3. thank you for your honesty sweet one.
    make a choice and go one step at a time- the first step is always recognition fo a problem- once you know it is there, it is half way solved.
    you are a beautiful girl, live is about to change for you big time........lisa xx

  4. I am glad you got rid of the word verification! I tried to leave a comment before. I agree with Lisa. One step at a time. Be who you are inside...lovely and strong.

    When I used to want to drink (years ago) sometimes I would just put on really loud music and dance like crazy -- letting it all out -- I did this with my dog -- A little nutty I know -- but she was a good dancer, and I always felt better afterwards. :)

    You will find yourself, I am sure.

  5. I tried posting earlier and couldn't do it due to the word verification problem. I think my blog was having it too so I also removed it. Your honesty here is wonderful. Obviously you are recognizing a pattern and problem with behavior that isn't really working for you. If it doesn't feel right, then perhaps a change is warranted. Wishing you the best in life from here on out, regardless of what you choose to do. Blessings, Lisa

  6. One day at a time dear friend. You have taken the first very big step of identifying where you need to make changes.. go easy on youself and remember, whatever it is worth, we are here for you!!!


  7. Tried to leave a comment last night - Your honesty is refreshing. I like my wine every evening. I probably need to re-examine that as well. Good for you for taking the next step!

  8. i myself discovered that 'realization' is the first and biggest step... Being kind to yourself is the second... 'forgiveness' is what i am still working on... i am (((holding your hand))) and with you in spirit... You are not the 1st to go go through this and you certainly won't be the last... This is just the beginning of your journey to self... and remember my friend that you are not alone xox